The Science of Calming Someone Down:
Why "Calm Down" Backfires and What Actually Works
The Science of Calming Someone Down: Why "Calm Down" Backfires and What Actually Works
"Calm down, everyone. Just calm down. Please! Come on, calm down." I bet no one is any calmer - least of all me.
Few phrases backfire as reliably as "Calm down." The moment those words leave your mouth, you can almost see the other person's jaw tighten, their breath quicken, or their voice rise in frustration. It's a paradox - the very instruction meant to soothe often does the opposite. But why? And more importantly, how can we truly help someone regain their equilibrium in moments of distress?
For one thing, it can help to always hear the phrase "Calm down!" not as "I'm sorry you're so worked up. How can I help you express yourself effectively and regain your equilibrium?" Hear the phrase "Calm down" instead as "You're out of control and I don't like it. What I demand right now is that you become quiet and still." See the difference? The words "Calm Down" may convey some measure of empathy and connection but most often they merely reflect a demand by the inconvenienced upon those in crisis. If you don't agree, this article is for you but I expect you won't take it in. If you're up for it and not so interested in defending the controlling outburst of "Calm down!" let's think through some of what science has to say here.
The answer lies in understanding the brain and body's stress response. When emotions run high, logic takes a backseat. Or jumps entirely out the back window. The amygdala, the brain's alarm system, hijacks the prefrontal cortex - the seat of reasoning - flooding the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. In this state, commands like "Just relax" aren't just ineffective; they can feel like an invalidation of the person's experience. Invalidation often fuels further agitation. Further excitement is never what a non-calm situation requires.
Fortunately, decades of research in psychology, neuroscience, and even trauma therapy have provided a clearly drawn roadmap for guiding someone back to calmness - not through demands, but through co-regulation, validation, and subtle physiological shifts.
Remember, calm is a Suprapower and it is contagious. Be calm to nurture calm. When we demand calmness of others we are merely expressing our own desires. We are not supporting the birth of calm. Expressing that we wish for, expect, demand, or require calm of someone else is not particularly novel - most anyone caught up within or even standing at the periphery of a chaotic situation also wants calm. Your desire for calm is not unique or more important. Stating the obvious is always ineffective. Be calm to nurture calm.
Why "Calm Down" Doesn't Work
Imagine you're drowning, and someone shouts from the shore, "Stop flailing!" Not only is the instruction unhelpful, but it ignores your immediate reality: you're fighting for air and perhaps simple understanding of your situation. Emotional distress works the same way. When someone is upset, their nervous system is in survival mode - logic and willpower are offline. From your place outside the non-calm person - of course logic seems a most sensible bit of software to run. However, to speak comprehensibly and meaningfully to the person feeling unsteady, the correct mode must be engaged - survival mode. I know that your rational brain is saying "...but this isn't about survivial. No one is about to die, here. She's just upset that the store's clerk didn't honor a coupon." Correct. No one is about to die. Nevertheless, the mind-mode of the one in the throes of upset is, indeed the mode of survival. If we can begin to recognize and honor this, we will never be able to meet the person in need - where they need it. For so long as you insist on speaking in the language of logic, the one who can only understand survival language will have your every utterance fall on newly deaf ears. In order to communicate, a common language must be employed.
Telling someone to calm down triggers what psychologists call psychological reactance. As Brehm discovered in his 1966 research, the brain perceives direct commands as threats to autonomy. A threat to one's sense of autonomy can escalate resistance rather than achieve compliance. It's as if the mind rebels against perceived control. Even more problematic is the invalidation factor - dismissing emotions actually amplifies them, as Linehan's 1993 work in dialectical behavior therapy has shown. Pain intensifies when it goes ignored. There is a reduction of pain experienced following its simple acknowledgement. Take note of, name, and otherwise acknowledge the child's boo-boo and there will be less wailing. A little kiss won't hurt, either.
Perhaps most important is the physiological mismatch that occurs. When someone's experience is of being inundated by emotions (perhaps intense emotions, perhaps a variety of emotions, perhaps a great depth of strong emotions), their nervous system is locked in "fight-flight-fawn-freeze" mode. According to Porges' 2011 Polyvagal Theory, logical instructions can't override this physiological state without first addressing the body's stress response. The alternative approach is co-regulation: using evidence-based techniques to help their nervous system shift out of distress. The key isn't to tell someone to relax - it's to guide their nervous system there. And you cannot guide someone unless you first meet them where and as they are.
Science-Backed Ways to De-Escalate Emotions
Validate Before Problem-Solving: The "Name It to Tame It" Principle
Neuroscientist Dan Siegel famously coined the phrase "Name it to Tame it," and for good reason. When you acknowledge someone's emotion, you help their brain process it. Validation reduces defensiveness by activating the brain's social safety circuits, as Lieberman discovered in his 2007 research. Simple phrases like "That sounds incredibly frustrating" or "I can see why you'd feel that way" create immediate neural relief.
I think I'd like to repeat that last bit, with some emphases:
Simple phrases like "That sounds incredibly frustrating" or "I can see why you'd feel that way" create immediate neural relief. Try a few such similar phrases out for yourself. Make them a mantra. What has been a lifelong mantra "Calm down!" has Never. Once. Worked. Not once. Not ever. Try a few different versions of phrases until you can settle on one or more that feel a bit more natural to you. Then practice it. Wear it smooth. Try it spoken aloud. Say it to yourself when you feel yourself becoming triggered. Practice, practice, practice.
Validation works because it signals safety. Studies in dialectical behavior therapy show that when people feel heard, their amygdala's alarm bells quiet down, making space for rational thought. It's like offering a hand to someone trapped in quicksand - they stop struggling long enough to find solid ground. By acknowledging reality as they're experiencing it, you create a foundation for eventual calm.
Model Calmness: The Mirror Neuron Effect
Humans are wired to sync up emotionally. When a baby cries, its mother's heartbeat accelerates. When a friend laughs uncontrollably, you start grinning even if you missed the joke. This phenomenon, driven by mirror neurons, means we unconsciously mimic the emotional states of those around us.
When seeking calm states in others we can benefit by intentionally embodying the calm we wish to foster. Lower your voice slightly. Slow your speech and breathe deeply. Maintain relaxed eye contact and an open posture. According to Porges' Polyvagal Theory, humans mirror others' physiological states via the vagus nerve, creating a contagion effect of emotional states.
This isn't about faking serenity - it's about lending your calmness like an emotional tuning fork. When you regulate your own state first, you become a living invitation to regulation. The person in distress will unconsciously begin matching your breathing rate, voice tone, & even heart rate variability - a process neuroscientists call interpersonal regulation. Calm is contagious; spread yours.
Redirect Attention through Grounding
When emotions spiral, the mind gets stuck in a loop of "What if?" or "This is unbearable." To break the cycle, gently guide their focus to the present. Shifting focus disrupts rumination by engaging the prefrontal cortex, as van der Kolk established in his 2014 research on trauma and the body. You might ask, "What are three things you can hear right now?" or seek specifics about their experience: "What happened right before you felt this way?"
A particularly effective approach is the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise. Guide them to name five things they can see, four things they can touch, three sounds they hear, two smells they notice, and one taste they're aware of. This works because it forces the brain to shift from emotional centers (amygdala) to sensory processing (occipital lobe). It's like calmly pressing a reset button on a frozen computer - the system reboots with a fresh operational capacity.
Don't forget - in the midst of crisis this works well on the self.
Offer Meaningful Autonomy
Stress thrives on helplessness. By giving someone even a small sense of agency, you help re-engage their prefrontal cortex. According to Deci and Ryan's Self-Determination Theory, autonomy is a fundamental psychological need; fulfilling it reduces stress hormones and restores cognitive function. Instead of commanding them to relax, offer choices: "Would you like to take a walk or sit here for a minute?" or "How can I best support you right now?" In any case, the key is to establish human contact (not mere surface level contact) and develop rapport before endeavoring to steer behavior. Most people facing a stressed out individual find themselves in an ever-rising swamp of stress and thus begin their contact with demands. "Calm down!" Without fail, the request of another is really a wish for one's one self to be in a state closer to equilibrium. Thus: Reach out, Rapport, then Regulate.
This approach taps into the core human need for sovereignty. Like handing someone the reins of a runaway horse, choice restores their sense of control in a situation that feels overwhelming. Even small decisions activate the brain's executive function, pulling resources back from the reactivity of eruptive emotions to the inner rational thought centers.
Engage the Body to Calm the Mind
Emotions aren't just in the head - they're in the breath, the muscles, and even the heartbeat. That's why body-based techniques are so effective for emotional regulation. You might suggest taking three slow breaths together or offer water (the act of sipping naturally creates pauses that regulate breathing patterns).
One particularly effective approach is the 5-5-5 breathing method, where you breathe in for five seconds, hold for five seconds, and exhale for five seconds. This works because slow exhales activate the vagus nerve, the body's natural brake on stress. It's like pressing a dimmer switch on a floodlight - the intensity drops gradually as the parasympathetic nervous system engages. Try the tri-five and feel that you're alive! Then share it with others who may wish support in their cooling off and settling down.
The 5-5-5 Method: A Science-Backed Meditation Primer
For lasting calm, meditation trains the brain to self-regulate. The 5-5-5 breathing technique offers a simple entry point that anyone can use, even in challenging moments. Begin by breathing in deeply through your nose for five seconds, filling your lungs completely. Then hold that breath for five seconds. Notice the oasis of stillness emerge; a moment of calm. Finally, exhale slowly through your mouth for five seconds, releasing tension with the breath. Repeat this cycle three to five times for immediate physiological shift.
This technique works through several mechanisms. Research by Jerath and colleagues in 2015 showed that it balances CO2 and O2 levels in the bloodstream, reducing panic signals in the brainstem. Streeter's 2012 studies demonstrated how controlled breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system - our natural relaxation response. Perhaps most compelling, fMRI studies have shown that regulated breathing directly quiets the amygdala, the brain's fear center.
For best results, teach this method before crises occur. And practice it yourself. The neural pathways strengthened through practice make the technique more accessible and effective when stress actually hits. Consider it preventative emotional maintenance rather than just emergency intervention.
Building Long-Term Calm through Meditation
While the techniques above help in the moment, practices like meditation train the brain to stay calm under pressure. One of the most studied methods is mindfulness of breath - simply observing the inhale and exhale without judgment. This consistent practice creates neurological changes that strengthen emotional resilience.
The science behind meditation's effectiveness is compelling. MRI scans show that regular meditators have thicker prefrontal cortices (an indicator of enhanced emotional control) and quieter amygdalae (an indicator of a reduction in emotional reactivity.) A landmark 2011 Harvard study found that just eight weeks of mindfulness practice literally shrinks the brain's fear center while strengthening areas responsible for perspective and empathy.
Think of meditation as strength training for calmness - the more you practice, the harder it is to knock you off balance. Daily sessions of a relatively brief five to ten minutes create cumulative changes in both our nervous system's response and our physical brain structure. This investment pays dividends during moments of crisis, when the well-practiced brain can more easily return to baseline.
Let's consider that again, together. The well-practiced brain more easily returns to equilibrium. Calm is contagious. Our own practice enables our own return to balance to be more reliable and rapid. Our own return to balance is a vital element in supporting others' return to calm. Practice regularly, then share your practice germs with others to support a wider world of inoculation against upset.
The Art of Facilitating Calm
True calmness isn't demanded; it's facilitated. Calmness may be facilitated by any combination of validating emotions, modeling regulation, grounding attention, restoring autonomy, & engaging the body. We don't just tell someone to relax - we help them arrive there through their own process. Their own process. Their own unique process. Coming to the non-calm with an expectation that we are here to determine and facilitate a process is far more effective than trying to show up to a crisis with an ill-fitting bandage and forcing it onto the patient. These custom approaches respect the neurobiology of stress while offering concrete pathways toward regulation.
And perhaps the most reassuring finding from the science is this: calm is contagious. When you approach someone's distress with patience and presence, you don't just help them - you create a ripple effect that soothes the room, the conversation, and even yourself. We are fundamentally interconnected beings, constantly influencing each other's emotional states through subtle cues.
So the next time you're tempted to say "Calm down," pause. Take a breath. And instead, lend them your calm - one word, one gesture, one shared exhale at a time. Replace commands with connection, and watch as regulation naturally emerges from relationship.
Exploring these Approaches Further
The science of emotional co-regulation continues to evolve, offering specific applications for different contexts. Parents might benefit from understanding how to co-regulate with children during meltdowns using developmentally appropriate techniques. Leaders can learn to de-escalate tension in high-stakes meetings through embodied presence. Partners might explore building emotional resilience in relationships through mutual regulation practices.
Whether you're interested in printable step-by-step guides for workplaces and homes, specific citations for academic understanding, or tailored approaches for your specific role, the fundamental principles remain consistent: validate before problem-solving, model the calm you wish to create, redirect attention to the present moment, offer meaningful choices, and engage the body's natural capacity for regulation. Through these approaches, we become not just witnesses to distress, but active, compassionate guides toward emotional equilibrium.
Remember, your own path from combative to calm is their path to calm. Connect, consider, cooperate, and calmaraderie.
Sources, Citations, & Open Access Citations:
Reactance Theory (Brehm, 1966) Brehm, J. W. (1966). A theory of psychological reactance. Academic Press.
Book: Not open-access, but summarized in many psychology texts. Alternative: Read about reactance in this open-access paper:
Steindl, C., et al. (2015). Understanding Psychological Reactance. Zeitschrift für Psychologie, 223(4), 205–214.
https://doi.org/10.1027/2151-2604/a000222
Emotional Invalidation & Dialectical Behavior Therapy (Linehan, 1993) Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011) Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Book: Not open-access, but Porges summarizes key ideas here:
Porges, S. W. (2009). The polyvagal theory: New insights into adaptive reactions of the autonomic nervous system. Cleveland Clinic Journal of Medicine, 76 (Suppl 2), S86–S90.
https://doi.org/10.3949/ccjm.76.s2.17
"Name It to Tame It" (Dan Siegel): From Siegel’s work on interpersonal neurobiology: Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. Bantam.
Mirror Neurons: While often cited in popular science, the term originates from primate studies (e.g., Rizzolatti & Craighero, 2004).
For human applications, see: Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 27, 169-192. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.neuro.27.070203.144230
Social Safety & Validation (Lieberman, 2007) Lieberman, M. D. (2007). Social Cognitive Neuroscience: A review of core processes. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 259-289.
Full paper:
https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.58.110405.085654 (Check ResearchGate for free access.)
Trauma & Grounding Techniques (van der Kolk, 2014) van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000) Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01
Open-access summary:
Ryan & Deci (2017). Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness.
https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/SDT/documents/2017_RyanDeci_SDT.pdf
Yoga & Parasympathetic Activation (Streeter, et al., 2012)
Preprint version: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/221827352 Streeter, C. C., Gerbarg, P. L., Saper, R. B., Ciraulo, D. A., & Brown, R. P. (2012). Effects of yoga on the autonomic nervous system, gamma-aminobutyric acid, and allostasis in epilepsy, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Medical Hypotheses, 78(5), 571-579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mehy.2012.01.021
Breathwork & the Amygdala (Jerath, et al., 2015) Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., & Harden, K. (2015). Self-regulation of breathing as a primary treatment for anxiety. Applied Psychophysiology and Biofeedback, 40(2), 107-115. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10484-015-9279-8
Full text:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4409005/
Neuroplasticity & Meditation (Harvard Study: Hölzel et al., 2011) Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36-43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pscychresns.2010.08.006
Full paper:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3004979/
for Paywalled Papers:
Use Google Scholar (scholar.google.com): Search the title + "PDF" or check "All Versions."
ResearchGate (researchgate.net): Many authors share free copies.
Email the Author: Scholars often send PDFs if requested.
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Stephen Watson has immersed himself in Eastern philosophy for over 40 years. Dàoism, the philosophical root of Tàijíquán (more commonly known as: Tai Chi), is made clearer in a moment with Stephen than in poring over dozens of translations from the Classics. Stephen's martial training (the how) began in concert with his interest in philosophy (the why). His motto is: When you have enough Why's you have Wise. He specializes in transmitting a profound understanding of why. Ask a question and he will show you that you already know the why. There are no hidden treasures only inattention.
Stephen Watson trained under Bruce Walker (Founder, Silent Dragon School of Kung Fu & Tai Chi.) as well as under Willem de Thouars, Don Miller, and Rick Barrett. Stephen’s training and teaching has brought him around the World to study, teach, and compete. Among his teachers have been 程愛平, Chéng, Àipíng, and 段智良, Duàn, Zhì Liáng and 李鳳山 Lǐ, Fèng-shān. Stephen trained to compete internationally with grandmaster 陳正雀, William C. C. Chen. Stephen is undefeated in National, International, and World competition and was selected to represent the US as a member of William C. C. Chen’s world championships teams as they travelled to Asia and South America.
Stephen is the only person to ever Compete, Teach, and Referee at the National Championships of every governing body of both Kung Fu and Tai Chi. Stephen is currently a leading voice in the development of Certifications in his field that will be recognized by governments and the medical field both nationally and globally. Stephen continues to be at the forefront of developments in his industry that offer new avenues of outreach in a post-COVID world. Many people have come to know Stephen more recently due to his regular appearances on a variety of Health, Martial, Poetic, and Philosophical podcasts and with a growing variety of audiences for his powerful public speaking offerings.
Stephen is a regular poetry contributor to IAMOnline magazine, the world’s premiere source for online martial study and has been inducted into numerous Halls of Fame including the Oriental Martial Arts College’s Hall of Honor as a “Bruce Lee Legend.” In fact, Inside Kung-Fu magazine calls Stephen Watson one of America’s 18 greatest Sifu (Kung Fu teacher) and named him to their prestigious Masters’ Forum. Stephen can be found at SomedayFarm.org as well as https://linktr.ee/SomedayFarm for all of the usual online spaces.